I did something to my neck yesterday and now I can’t move my head. I’m going to sit here in a frozen position and write until the ibuprofen kicks in.

I haven’t been blogging often because I think I don’t have anything to talk about but then I get started and I realize that I have tons of stupid shit to share.

I guess I’ll start with chickens … we got more.

Itchy has been nuts about Silkies and decided that he wanted show quality birds. We went to the Boulder County Fair (aka the motherland of chickens) and picked out some Silkies from the 4-H sale.

I was so excited by all the chickens that I let out a very loud scream. I couldn’t help myself. Then I was “that woman” who made the kids camp out in front of the birds we wanted so no one else could buy them. For an hour. I got completely weird. Like, Kate McKinnon weird.

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She is my favorite

Then we checked out the bunny show WHICH WAS AMAZING!

I pretty much searched for the bunny with the biggest tits. That grey fella had four chins! I could and would motorboat that bunny but they sign said DO NOT TOUCH THE RABBITS and I should have been all YOLO! about it but I wanted to set a good example for my kids.

We ended up buying two hens and a rooster (because fuck Radish II, he always attacks me and everyone) and he doesn’t look like this guy …

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Hubba

I call the new chickens the Fluffy Triad.

Their butts are amazing.

My sister-in-law and her husband were in town briefly? Did I already write about that?

IMG_6552I’m too lazy to check old posts. Anyway, she lit a fire under me to clean up the house. I did all this shit …

And I redid the porches so now they will be ready for all my beautiful pole dancers in September!

My kids like it, too but I am really just fantasizing about sitting on the porch swing with Steven, my beautiful baby.

He fucking slaaaaayed it at Pole Theatre Brazil.

Something in me dies when I don’t get to see him perform live. I cannot wait for him to get out here for PTUSA.

Sideboob and I crossed an item off our Colorado Bucket List. We finally saw a show at the Colorado Shakespeare Festival!

We were seated on the last row which had a drop off behind it. I’m not going to lie, I was super tired and could not stay awake. I kept nodding off and then waking up in a panic that I was going to fall over backwards and break my head.

I think Sideboob sensed impending doom and kept inching away from me, just to distance herself from the shit show about to happen.

We were saved by intermission.

Then she and I did that cautious dance where we were trying to feel each other out about whether it could be cool to bail because hey, I know how this play ends and Taming of the Shrew is kinda fucked up in a gender politics kinda way, but who is going to just come out and say it?

So we said it at the same time and hightailed it to Boulder Baked for a hot fudge cookie sundae.

Another one of my friends got a puppy, this one is a silver lab and fucking adorbs. We went camping in Valley View and Salida this weekend with the little biter.

It made me both anxious and full of dread for the arrival of Kofifi. Puppies are so cute … when they are asleep. I’m preparing myself for six months of puppy torment.

Speaking of torment, the neighbor girls just love coming over and roughing Mr. Bates up. Given his penchant for eating bunnies, he can suck it up.

Take it, Bates!

We came home from camping to find perfectly intact rabbit hind legs and the rest of it vomited up in piles all over the house.

ALL. OVER. THE. HOUSE.

Then last night he dropped a LIVE BUNNY in Loony’s lap during Scrabble. At least it was alive.

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Next time he should bring this kind of bunny home. I would be grateful AF for that.

I guess he learned his lesson about how bunnies don’t agree with his belly so now he just brings live ones inside, like this morning he brought this one in.

We locked Bates inside and let the bunny go after traumatizing the shit out of the poor little thing.

I love my cats but I hate the way they kill stuff. I’ve been lobbying Loony to fence in the porch to make them indoor cats, so far he is resisting but I think the great bunny massacre of 2017 might change his mind.

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It’s cute when they walk with me

Tabby bought a racehorse which is ruining my life. She’s always all “I can’t because I am with the horse.”

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Like all the things she does, she throws herself into it, like resuscitating the horse yard she keeps her mighty steed in.

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If you don’t know the Catherine story I’m referring to, read this and imagine what a dope theme that would be for a horse facility fundraiser. Tabby has been pretty quiet since.

I love texting with my friends, it is one of my greatest sources of amusement. Regard, a simple playdate request escalates immediately.

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Or this …

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This morning Mo sent out a group text.

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There’s a story behind the photo. IMG_6520.jpg

I purchased this kimono in Cannes and bought a custom leather obi from Etsy. I told the maker that I’d send her a photo of the belt in use and wanted to do a better job than just taking a bathroom mirror selfie so I got Sideboob to come over.

In the interest of honesty, I demanded she Photoshop the shit out of it. I told her to abandon her feminist ideals about accurately portraying the female form and make me skinnier with bigger tits. So she did.

That picture is my emotional truth.

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Oh my god. I think that’s it. I should post more often.